Whatever helps you sleep at night

 Pop quiz:

 Which makes you feel safer at night?

a. Sleeping with a teddy bear

b. Sleep with a knife under your pillow

c. Both 

Are they mutually exclusive?

It may be a paradox, but for me the answer is C. I’ve been sleeping with both a teddy bear and knife lately. Why? Elementary, my dear Watson. On different levels, they both make me feel safe. While answer A. is embarrassing, answer B. is disturbing. Answer C. seems to balance the two. One is hopeful, the other cynical. The teddy bear makes me feel loved, safe, hopeful and like I’m not alone. I sleep with the knife precisely because of the last reason, the not so farfetched idea that I truly am not alone in my apartment, it’s the realist in me after one break-in attempt at our former house and one suspicious man lurking outside my current apartment. One is a symbol of childhood, when your biggest worries are the fictional characters that hide under your bed or in your closet. You hold on tight to that teddy bear after you get tucked in and the lights get turned off. That teddy bear is a reminder that mom and dad will rush in at a moment’s notice if you need them too. I sleep with the teddy bear out of comforting habit. Childish? Perhaps. Comforting when you’re far from home and single? Hell yes.  I hold on to the knife because now my biggest fears are the real life villains. The thieves, burglars and kidnappers. In all honesty, it’s likely that neither will protect me. If a burglar manages to get all the way to my room, a knife isn’t going to save me, I’ll probably end up stabbing myself. Only the grace of God could save me. In that case, the teddy bear is a much better symbol. 

So why all this fatalistic talk? Because the world is an evil place. Everyone is on edge right now. The whole town is talking about the same events. Bad stuff has been happening. Last week two girls got jumped and robbed as they were walking home from church in the dark. Another girl went missing and was found dead a few days later. And most recently a high school girl has gone missing. All in this area. Everyone is shocked that these things could happen in our small town, normally they pride themselves on the safety, “it’s not like Tegucigalpa here,” they all said. Now the high school students doing their internships have been ordered to ditch their conspicuous uniforms and wear regular clothes so they won’t stand out as much. Last night I was walking home with a friend and we saw some women we know, they greeted us and quickly said that we should get home soon because it wasn’t safe to be out this late. It was only 6:30 PM, but now that the sun is setting earlier, that’s considered late.

A few months ago I stopped reading the local newspapers, I was tired of seeing extremely graphic pictures of murder victims, reading about assaults, kidnappings, drug trafficking, police corruption or reading that Honduras has the highest murder rate per capita, surpassing even Mexico. That was another Honduras, not the place where I was living. Except for now it is. Just this week I was watching the local news and saw that police had intercepted 420 kilos of cocaine, they then proceeded to burn it all, making sure that every newspaper and TV station got a good shot of the flames. The truth is, I’m sure those 420 kilos were a small price for the narcs to pay, it made the police look good (for now).   

I seriously debated posting this or even mentioning it. I don’t mean to scare anyone (I’m talking to you mom), but this is reality and I thought this deserved some attention. Please keep the families of the missing girls in your prayers and pray that this madness stops.

tina, over and out

Verse for the day:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"  -   Psalms 27:1